Couch surfing....

It surprises me sometimes to realize that I am getting older.

That my mind and my body are different things.

I have been recovering from a re-injury of my knee. In college I had a ACL replacement, and apparently my knee decided it wanted attention again. So since New years I have been sitting on my couch, nursing a swollen knee, and traveling to Fairbanks for doctors appointments. The doc thinks I will have to have surgery again....

It has taken me a few weeks to go through the seven stages of acceptance of a major injury: denial, anger, annoyance, chocolate, depression, chocolate, and then realization that it will suck but it will pass. It always can be worse.

A few good things have come out of it though. I can't run away from my muse and apparently she has me in a headlock. Too many ideas can be as bad as no ideas though and so my laptop and sketchbook and ipad are littered with half thought through literal and digital notes to myself of ideas that will probably never be seen. I have read a few books since being couch bound, which has it's pros and it's cons.... I have caught myself staying up till the wee hours of the night with my nose glued to a virtual book and have suffered from the few hours of sleep I have gotten.

The bad part I guess is the mash of ideas and images and notes I have....that I have yet to arrange into anything coherent. The lack of completion gnaws at me. Eventually it becomes a sort of guilt, for doing everything only half way through....

So I thought that maybe for a few posts I can reveal my piles of notes in a random way....maybe it will strike some and maybe it won't. I do apologize to my high school speech and debate teacher Mr. Bartley, who has hammered into me the importance of organizing ones thoughts so they are coherent and rational..... I would also like to apologize to him because he has become THAT voice in my head.

This pile I call...'Being civilized'....

In a documentary I saw recently there was a section where an Inupiaq Elder sat talking to the camera guy, around him sat his family, he paused during his recounting of the history of the area and smiled as he tried to find the words that would describe the meeting of the western world and of his ancestors. After a few seconds of silence and contemplation....he replied... "I guess that's when we became 'civilized'"....and he smiled a tight little smile.

My husband traps in the winter. Many people believe trapping to be a cruel practice. But most people I think believe that because in their minds animals are very dumb. Very predictable. Very driven by things they cannot control. Like auto-minals, programmed by nature, unable to fight against our vast human intelligence. But I would argue that in order to trap an animal, you must love that animal. Love it Beyond. You must see their intelligence, intelligence granted by natural selection and thousands of years of survival. I see it in the way these animals become such a big part of my husbands world. I see it it the time and thought and respect and awe I see on his face. Last night he sat at the dinner table and told me about the wolverine. About how many babies the mother has, and how long they stay with their mother and what they meant and how it affects their borrowing practice. He told me about how they protect their food source. About how fierce of a creature they are, fighting grizzly bears and polar bears and fending of packs of wolves. He talked about the diamond pattern on their backs....and I wondered if any person who wore leather ever talked with such love about about where that leather came from...or even if anyone knew about what a cotton plants life consisted of....and even now I have the urge to google everything about cotton plants.....

An older friend mentioned to me once about how her and her gang of happy brown faced children went and visited a small village somewhere far west and south of us. They were visiting another family. They had harvested a caribou and had prepared a large pot of caribou soup. The two families sat around the table, watching their children laugh and play. When the food was done a woman from the other family went to the freezer and pulled out boxes of pizza pockets and hot pockets and started heating them in the microwave. She turned to my friend and assured them that they had enough for her extra kids, which my friend then replied, "my children will want caribou soup!" The woman was visibly stunned and told her that no young person ate caribou no more, that it was only for the older group as the young people did not like it. The visiting children gathered around the caribou stew pot and dug in with hunger, completely ignoring the pizza pockets. She was surprised to see an elderly woman at the table crying......

I got into a debate once with a loved one (who lives in a native village) about the practice of subsistence hunting. He believed that in this modern day and age there was no need to hunt anymore. That we were now 'civilized' and can get passed all that. I was mostly fascinated by his use of 'civilized.' I argued that being civilized had to do more with how we treated each other has human beings, than to the distance we are putting ourselves from nature. He argued that separating ourselves from nature was a sign of higher civilization, of evidence of evolving. I still am trying my darnedest to understand where this idea came from.....

What's-her-name Palin .....she said on drilling in ANWR: If a caribou needs to be sacrificed for the sake of energy independence...I say 'Mr. Caribou , maybe you need to take one for the team.'

I always find it puzzling when people talk to me about saving the wolves of Alaska. For one thing their population is stable and even overcrowding in some areas which is causing problems for those unfortunate to live nearby. They tell me it's because they are 'beautiful' and relate to me how they feel when they see an animal as powerful as these wolves are. But when I think of wolves I think of them in a completely different way. When I saw a tall lanky black wolf off my front porch, eyeing my dog in heat, iI saw how unafraid he was. I felt his intelligence. When we were out in the wild on a cold winters night, our snowmachines cooling. And the sound of wolves howling surrounded us, and fear burst bright in my chest, I did not think they needed protecting. Even the best hunters fled when a pack decided to surround them. I guess in a way I see them as equals, as part of the cycle, as a fellow predator. And that in itself is pretty different. I guess I don't see myself as dominant of them..... and to me the problem is a human one......

Random thoughts.

But they will probably change tomorrow....and the next day......who knows....

Savoonga...

This time of year we Alaskans are the most vulnerable. The cold has no mercy or thought, and any small thing that can go wrong can have long lasting effects. As some of you have heard the village of Savoonga lost power, long enough to do massive damage and to leave many families in need.

I received a note in Facebook with a call to help those in Savoonga and I just want to pass this along.

ERA aviation will ship any goods that you want to send for FREE, they can be found in pretty much any and all villages and in the cities. All you have to do it drop your gifts off, packaged securely, Labeled to the People of Savoonga, to the cargo department and let them know where it's going.

They are requesting mostly non-perishable food items. Some ideas are: boxed milk, canned milk, cereals, pilot bread crackers, canned pasta, canned meats, instant rice, cup o' noodles, instant oatmeal, granola bars, canned fruits, tea, coffee, sugar, koolaid juice mix, cookies...etc. Anything would help I am sure of it.

If you live in Anchorage you can contact Yaari Kingeekuk by emailing: Yaari30@yahoo.com who is making some arrangements.

update:

You can drop off stuff at the Alaska Native Heritage enter in Anchorage.

You can also send donations to

City of Savoonga

PO Box 40

Savoonga, Alaska, 99769

Flying out....

I took some photos when I was flying out....it had been so long since I had actually seen the sun. I must have taken a hundred pictures. It felt like gold on my skin....all warm and pale...

The Guardians......

This is the time of year when college students come home for the holidays. They board metal planes that take them back to the 'tiny' villages.

I can remember vividly what it was like. My brain would be in shock for a few days as I exchanged one world for another. I would be uncomfortable as I greeted people that felt a bit like strangers, almost as if we were separated by the books that I read for my courses. It was never a simple enjoyable homecoming to family and friends that you saw on the movies. It was always something I had to brace myself for, to push through the waves of different reactions that bloomed around me. You never knew how some people were going to react, what uncomfortable words would come out of their mouths.

The holidays always left me emotionally exhausted. I was greeted one moment with a hug and a handshake, words of awkward encouragement in the air, and the next with belittling words whispered just loud enough for me to hear as they passed by. Usually it was something about being 'better than' or 'stuck up', followed by giggles or grins. These words were spoken by adults and young people alike, though I suspect the younger ones were only mimicking the adults.

To me it was worth it, to find a few tiny gems of acceptance and love in the crowd of confusion, like pearls of Faith.

It always made me wonder where it all came from. What did they see in me that prompted such words and reactions. Some people would say it was jealousy, but jealousy is wanting what someone else has and I never sensed that they wanted my experience.

I think part of it is also that people do not talk of what their experiences are away from home. What they went through to get an education . What the cost was. It is assumed that if you are being successful in college than you are enjoying yourself, being bathed in city lights and dancing in paved streets. But of course none of that is true.

Everything worth it requires sacrifice.

My degree was paid for in tears. In long nights wishing I had less courage and determination. It was paid for in dreams of being just a tad less smart, and confusion about what my purpose would be. It was paid for in battle, between two worlds trying to fit like a puzzle made of ever changing clay. It was paid for by learning utter loneliness, or what felt like it compared to the strength and bonds I felt from my culture and people before I left.

In our new world we have need of Guardians. Guardians to fend off the worst of the storm that is the modern world, threatening to erode our Uniqueness and Difference. But these Guardians are few, and these Guardians bear a heavy weight and will earn many many scars.

In this Holiday season, I would hope if you know one, you will lessen their scars, lessen their wounds by not adding to them. By realizing that without them there would be nothing but uncertain blackness as a future. By understanding the Price.

And when, or if, they return to fight on the Home turf, that you are willing to greet them with Understanding and Acceptance. And let that be your sacrifice.

Checks.

I am one of a very lucky few that are shareholders in a Alaska Native Company that does well. Twice a year we receive checks, usually a couple thousand in the spring, and about three times as much of that in mid December. We are currently approaching our winter checks.

There are some observations I have been confronting and examining. Some thoughts that drift and solidify and drift some more. It is hard for me to contemplate these questions simply because more often than not I am left with nothing but frustration or annoyance on my plate.

It's not that this free money is bad in any way, it's more like the observation that there is no responsibility whatsoever attached to it. And for some strange reason this irks me. Irks me to no end. Twice a year I receive a direct deposit into my account, and a tiny stub in the mail that I hand over to my tax preparer. That's it. There is no accompanying recommendations or programs I could invest my money in, no slips of paper to describe some well deserving non-profit that would benefit from a few bucks from me, no bank willing to give me a good deal on a savings account for my children (if I had any), not a peep or a squeak about the possibilities that this money could become. Nothing at all from the company that cuts me the check. It's as if they are done with me once they mail the check, and that is all that I am worth.

There are 10,000 of us that receive theses checks. 10,000 souls spread across the U.S., with half living out of state. We accept these checks as part of life, with no knowledge of why get them in the first place. With no thought on how fleeting this money could become. What if this money disappears (as it might since it's largely based on oil production on the Slope and as we all know it's a finite source) what will be left for us? Will we have learned money budgeting skills? will we have some of it stored away for a rainy day? What exactly is this money doing for us? What percentage of it actually goes to bettering our lives?

Personally my check goes to paying for 6 months worth of food and supplies for our pantry, I embark on a mad and crazy shopping spree for a few days that usually leaves me completely exhausted and insane. My husbands goes to our vehicle and gas bill which is forever present, as we cannot live without a vehicle to hunt or gather our main sources of food. A tiny amount goes to a savings account created for unexpected costs....

But we were not always this careful with our money, and it was only the responsibility of a shared life that made us rein in our spending sprees. As an artist I have long accepted the fact that my head is not for financial pleasures but I still wonder.....

I would be most willing to put some in a savings account if the Company arranged an easy and SAFE long term program that they set up.....but I fear they are only in it for the money. For the money they throw at me that feels like hush money on some days. They send a few pages to me me a few times a year filled with large numbers and professional pictures, printed on expensive and large paper, and they announce visits to the villages to answer questions, but I do not know (even with my degrees and half degrees) what this means and how it betters my life...

But what sane person would object to getting free money?