A chance....

I remember when I first moved back to Alaska after living in California for 7 years the first time I saw an animal killed.....I was quite taken aback. There was more blood then I remembered. The animal didn't die as fast as I thought it should have. It made a noise before it passed. It bothered me.

I couldn't understand why it would bother me. I thought about it alot. I examined my inner thoughts as I helped sever flesh from bone. I even went so far as wondering why it didn't bother me when I ate a hamburger, what was the difference?

It wasn't till much later that I realized that I was focussing on the wrong thing. The wrong time. I was thinking about the death....and not what happened afterwards.

I found the difference between eating a hamburger....and living a subsistance life. My take anyways....


Our lumbering souls are exposed for the Creator to see
When we take the shining essence of animals for our own
The crimson blood and pale bone
reveal our make
our inner human
and we are judged with every death
with every action
and with every non-action

How much of our taken wealth do we we share with those that need?
how much respect do we show the clay that we are to make into ourselves?
how clean is the last place earths children will rest?
how much happiness is felt in aching bones working to keep meat safe and long lasting?

We who choose in eating souls are ourselves judged with every take
A hundred times a year
A million times in a lifetime
We do rejoice in the chance to show our worth
To open our hearts and minds and souls
to expose the pain that is joy and utter mortal respect
We forever dance the dance of heart rending favor
We are allowed for a brief time to know ourselves

Torn exposed by Nuna sod
Scrubbed bare by Tagiuq salts
We are allowed for a brief time to
See
ourselves

Changes...and things that happened...

My macbook decided to go crazy on me, and now it's sitting like a pile of silicone and brushed aluminum. I have to send it in to get fixed. I tried explaining to the man on the phone that we do not get FedEx packages here in the village, that if we did it will be more than a couple of days. He sniffed and assured me in his heavy Indian accent that FedEx goes EVERYWHERE. We shall see. I am a bazillion times greatful for having the foresight to pay for the careplan for the laptop, and even more greatful that I regularly backup up all my files onto two external hardrives. I still have nightmares of printing a 30 page paper due the next day...and then watching as my laptop burst into flames. True story.

I love making up words like "bazillion" and then using them casually.......if I was typing this on my Mac it would have told me that that wasn't a word. I feel somewhat unchained, free to mispell words, make them up, and use horrible sentence structure!

We also got a new puppy. He provides endless entertainment and hilarity. Such is the duty of puppies. We named him after a ultimate fighter, as he is very brave. I did find out though that he is not happy with cold. He sits and wimpers and shivers. I sit with him and cuddle him, telling him in soft words that he will have to get over it, that he is an eskimo dog, destined to run great distances in the cold, sometimes carrying packs or pulling a small travois. He ignores me most of the time, though sometimes he will respond with even louder whimpering or he will pucker up and lift his chin in a tiny howl.

My writing has been posted online at: http://www.virtualsubsistence.com/

I wish I had been there to hear my poetry read outloud. It's weird to think about it really, that my writing would be heard by someone other than my closest of friends. It's been a journey of mine, to expose my inner thoughts and practice not cringing. It still feels like everyone is seeing me in my underwear.

Some photos!

The new pup

The night I got to watch a few hundred caribou migrate.

We got frost again. After having everything melt for a week straight!

...pause....

this means I have been able to sleep easily every night, that there are huge lapses in my blog.  

Truth is I have been busy.  A few weeks ago I decided to write all of the things I needed to get done on little post its....and post them on my studio wall.  I combed through my emails, plucking neglected paying jobs from it's murky depths.  Let's just say it was a bit frightening to see.  I had an urge to cover up the little yellow notes when my other half walked in.  He does not know what I do all day, as it changes depending on this and that, and to actually see what jobs lie ahead of me rather surprised him.  But not as much as it surprised me.  They stared at me and I swear their little corners curled to point at me as I walked by.  After a few days of complete artistic shut down and panic I dove right in.  I started with commissions. Or I finished commissions.  Whichever way you want to look at it.  Then I headed into the more tedious jobs, jobs that are fun, but usually cause major brain wrecking.  One by one the little yellow slips of paper came down.  

I am thinking never again to buy post its.....

This weekend I am flying into the city, to pick up art supplies, shop for our dogs, buy a rifle, drop off caribou meat.....the usual and unusual.  I held off as long as possible to make this trip.  I knew I would have to leave here eventually to endure K-mart, parallel parking and hand sanitizer.  We save up gobs of money to shop and stock up on necessities that we will need for a few months, I both hate it and enjoy it at the same time. I enjoy sleeping in a hotel room with fast internet, I enjoy driving a car again, I enjoy gathering goods like a penguin gathers stones for his nest.  But I am going to miss this place for even a few days, miss the annoying dogs, miss seeing the mountains change moods.  

I woke up one morning, one of the pups had gotten loose and the others were barking in their frustration.  Other than that the world was completely silent.  I trudged outside pulling on my slippers and heavy coat and clicked me tongue to get the pups to calm.  It took me a few moments to realize that the sun was rising.  I could hear it.

All around me the world was covered in hoar frost.  

I sat there with the pups, watching this beautiful and most fragile finery disappear.  When it got bright enough I went in and grabbed my camera to capture the fleeting moment.  

 

Niqi

Niqi is ....

Copper taste

of bright red life blood

encased in mellow

seal oil defined

refined

combined

into identity

into me

self connection 

Niqi is...

Tundra taste 

of deep flora green

striking memory

grandmother notes

Allowed

to be proud

of one

of many

of foundations

and stone

Niqi is ...

Love 

Pride

Identity

Family

opposite of need

opposite of want

it is

Wealth

(Niqi translates roughly into english as food/meat......or Inupiaq Food)

The Qalgi

So I had this idea in my head for a while.  

Modern times has created modern connections. I spend more time on the net taking care of my friendships, then I do on the phone or in emails even.  I watch as the younger generation spend even more time on the internet than I do.  They can type faster than I can talk.

I know quite a few young people in school.  Family.  Friends.  Friends of family.  I am so proud of them.  So scared for them.  I know what it's like to cast yourself into the deep blue education system.  Away from home.  Away from everything that is comfortable and known to sink or swim.  No one ever floats.

It was a hard, teeth gritting experience.  One I would never have made it through without the love and support of my family and friends.  I would tell myself to let it out, cry hard into my pillow till my eyes were swollen and red.  Then wipe my face off.  Square my shoulders.  And put on my game face and go to class.

I did not always succeed.  I was not the perfect student.  I got kicked out after my first year.  But without the faith and support that I received over the years.  I would never have gotten to where I am today, I would never wiped off my face and marched out my door.

I believed in myself.  Because there were so many others that believed in me.  So many others that could see what I could not see.  I was blind to my own adequateness. 

I want to let all the other students have what I had.  I want to contribute to success.  And I want to let others contribute to success. So I created the Qalgi. 

http://theqalgi.forumotion.net/forum.htm