How I write....

I finally realized how I write today.

I have been working on a piece that explores the feelings I have about learning my language.  Basically I scribble phrases and words all over a piece of paper.  Images I like.  Words that fit.  It usually happens within one day.  I can never add anymore the next day when the flow is gone and the feelings are not at the surface to be exposed. But I do take some time to refine it....

Want to see what I wrote on this specific piece of paper? keep in mind that this is as rough as it gets.  I'll post the finished product when it is done so you can compare....

Step into my mind...watch your head and remember to duck when I say low bridge.

Language shame

Spoken stigma

Ignorance blooms like puss filled scars and blisters

I become ugly

My tongue is ugly

I push I pull words

Words from my elders claw at my secret heart 

revealing that it is filled with sugar (flour) not seal oil like theirs

I prove that I am not Inupiaq, That I am a fraud

I treasure every word that I know, repeat it, repeat it.

hold it tight.

Just pretending I am

A piece of paper dreaming of being wolf skin

A yellow songbird dreaming of being raven

A sigh, dreaming of being more

A 9-5 worker dreaming of being hunter

A handful of soil, dreaming of being caribou

I feel the single word use my mouth

Rejoice!

Belong!

Place!

The feelings claw at me

wrapped around my elders words

so that I cannot drink

the sweet and the sour at the same time

I choke

I weep

I think

I write